:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/::: :J.A.T.Z. --- Jatz Ain't a Text Zine Edited by Tann: : Issue #002 : : Spongebob and Jesus May 7, 2004: :::/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: _____________________ 1-Spongebob and Jesus --------------------- Spongebob is having a tough time making ends meet. He's been wasting all of his welfare money on beer and prescription drugs. He's been contemplating suicide, even to the point of reading issue #38 of I Bleed For This. It all sounded too terribly painful to kill himself however so he just kept feeding the monkey on his back while letting his pet snail starve to death. Poor fuckin snail bastards deserve to die anyways. They're slow and useless just like old people. Anyways, Spongebob had been sober for 3 days, and we all know about sobriety, it fucking sucks. Sobriety sucks ass. So he has a shotgun up to his mouth ready to splatter his little spongy brains all over the wall of his pathetic little coconut house when Jesus walks in. Jesus, being the nice piece of shit that he is, shouts, "no, don't do it Spongebob, I'm sure you have something worth living for." Spongebob lowers the shotgun and explains, "I don't have any money for drugs, I wanna die and get it all over with," as he puts the shotgun back in his mouth. Jesus pleads with Spongebob yet again and the shotgun is again lowered. Jesus offers Spongebob 500 dollars if he'll let him fuck him in his spongy ass. After a few moments thought, Spongebob agrees and lowers his pants. He then lubes his ass up with baby oil and tells Jesus to come pound him. Jesus gets undressed really fast like he hasn't gotten his rocks off since 33A.D. and begins to pound the little sponge furiously. After 4 hours of intense anal sex, Jesus dismounts and pays the sponge, bidding him farewell. So, with money in hand, Spongebob visits his friendly neighborhood drug dealer in order to soothe the intense burning in his ass before making his way to the liquor store. So then Jesus walks over to the starfish and he fucks him in the ass. And then he goes and fucks the squirrel in every hole he can find. Then he goes to that guy with the clarinet, steals it, sticks it up his own ass, and proceeds to assfuck him too(with a clarinet up his ass). So the moral of the story is that Spongebob is an alcoholic/drug addict intent on brainwashing the youth of America. Then there's the fact that Jesus is a raging homosexual with an infinite supply of cash allowing him to feed off the anal canals of those unfortunate enough to become addicted to drugs. Don't feed the Jesus! Just kill yourself before you let that bastard ass fuck you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _____________________________________ 2-Atkins is a Fucktarded Zebra Fucker ------------------------------------- Atkins sucks. Thank god that stupid sonofabitch is dead. What did he do? Fall? I hope he fell on his daughter's puppy dog or something and killed it when he went out(with a crash). Yah. That fucker. He's responsible for all this bullshit like low carb beer. I remember when I first saw that Michelob Ultra commercial bullshit. I know a couple people that drink it, I've drank a few of them, but they're nothing special. I'm not sure about the carb count, but my Milwaukee's Best Light only has 3 more calories per 12 ounce can and it's a helluva lot cheaper. Then there's these Atkins approved menus. Anyone responsible for having the bun on a hamburger replaced with lettuce needs to have their balls ripped off and fed to a hungry pack of bloodthirsty llamas. Don't forget to film it so you can send the footage in to America's Funniest Home Videos! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- __________________________ 3-Hardee's Are Sexist Pigs -------------------------- I have never heard of men bitching about someone being sexist against men, so as far as I know, I'm the first. Hardee's has this new ad campaign, "without us, some guys would starve." Then they have this ad where this stereotypical slob of a man is trying to open cereal but he's too fuckin' stupid to get it open. He even suggests using a knife to cut a hole. I can't remember the last time I ate cold cereal, I used to a lot when I was smaller and my parents thought it was unsafe for me to use the stove. But even at age 10 I NEVER had any problems getting a bag of cereal open, NEVER. Do you have any idea how easy it is to fry bacon and eggs? I'm sure you've made toast. If you haven't and you can't figure out how, maybe you should consider finding a bitch to take care of your pathetic ass. Let her do the laundry too if you can't fumble around with the knobs and get it to work. But hell, don't feel bad, this is what society teaches us, that men can't cook or wash clothes. At any rate, if you choose the path of self sufficiency, all you need now is a plastic vagina. The only thing I ever want to depend on is drugs. They'll always be here as long as I can afford them. Being dependent on another human being to do things is one of the most pathetic things I can imagine. People die. They will die. Your only hope is that you die before anyone you depend on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ___________________ 4-The Fabulous Life ------------------- Ever saw that show on VH1 about how much money famous people spend on clothing and jewels and other bullshit? I hate that show. Movie stars make way too much money for the useless shit they do. I'd just like to watch them all die. Gold is so fucking useless. Who would pay for gold unless they intended to sell it to someone stupid enough to think it had value? Same goes for diamonds. I hate diamonds the way I hate ponies. I'd like to kill and eat every pony on the earth and if diamonds were edible I'd do the same to them too. What good is a diamond? It's not entertaining or anything. If I couldn't manage to sell a diamond I would gladly trade it to a pile of monkey shit. At least after awhile the monkey shit will rot and return to the earth. The diamond is useless, it won't even help plants grow. Then there's this whole thing with giving people diamond rings to show them how much you wanna have sex with them. If someone gave me a diamond I would kick them in the nuts the same way I do people who give me gift cards. I hate gift cards. I can't think of any liquor stores that accept gift cards. Last christmas my stupid assed stepbrother and stepsister-in-law gave me a 20 dollar gift card for Wal-Mart. I guess I should've went and bought a cd, but it just pissed me off so I gave it to my mom. I think that stupid bitch went and bought me something with it. See, she got me this picture of a monkey drinking liquor and brought it to me on my birthday. I had had a perfect birthday, no one had so much as mentioned any stupid shit like "happy birthday" and I was just sitting in my chair minding my own business and drinking a beer. Anyways, I told her that the only thing I could possibly do with that picture is use the glass to crush pills on. She's all taken aback and she says "What?! Do you still do that? Don't you know that that goes straight to your brain and kills you?" The very fact that she was so misinformed by the media made me want to strangle her and bust every television set in America. I'm not sure if I burst into tears at that point but I was extremely pissed off and I ran her off. What had really pissed me off was that she purchased something so useless. So, in trying to get some use out of it, I used it to crush a few pills. The third one shattered the glass and I was left to pick out bits of glass from my pill dust. I don't think I was successful in getting it all out because I had a weird scratch in the back of my throat that doesn't usually happen. Thanks a lot you stupid thoughful piece of shit excuse for a mom. Thanks a lot. I should've crushed on my Beware of Dog sign like I usually do. That was the worst birthday in awhile. Could've been so much better if only someone hadn't gotten me presents. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ____________ 5-Hula Hoops ------------ Hula hoops are fun, I like to swing round and round, like a compact disc. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------