:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/::: :J.A.T.Z. --- Jatz Ain't a Text Zine Edited by Tann: : Issue #009 : : Fingernail Polish January 9, 2005: :::/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\-\/-/\::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ___________________ 1-Fingernail Polish ------------------- It was the first day of school and poor tiny Timthaniel dreaded abstaining from fucking zebras for 8 hours. Tim's favorite hobby was fucking his 500 pound zebra while eating grape flavored latex gloves from the dentist office. Anyways, Tim concocts a brilliant plan to sneak his zebra into school the next day. So Tim gets a big box with wheels on it. Then he paints it with some nail polish he found in his mom's room. Then he calls it an art project. And he stuffs the 500 pounds of sexiness into the art project. I have no idea where he found a big box with wheels on it, but he did, and that's all that really matters as far as I'm concerned. So Tim has this all planned out and he rests easily... Then it's 6am in the morning or some other god-awful-terrible-time-early-in-the- morning-to-be-awake. So Tim fixes himself a bowl of oatmeal and a glass of uber-healthy-chocolate-soy-milk. Then he jacks off and brushes his teeth and all that fun stuff and waits for the schoolbus... Then the bus comes and Tim rolls his big art project on wheels outside and they go to school. And then Tim gets his zebra out and hides it in the janitor's closet so he can fuck it at his leisure. On a side note, the zebra's name is The United States of America. So then Tim goes to math class. And then when Tim gets outta math class he goes straight to the closet to fuck his zebra. And then he goes to history class. But he can't wait til class is over so he asks his teacher Mrs. Fingle, if he can go to the bathroom and take a huge flaming shit. Fingle says it's ok and Tim goes to the closet to give the zebra another intense lubeless assfucking. And then the janitor walks in! Oh shit! Oh no! It's the janitor! Tim is busted! But the janitor is quite happy to see someone fucking the zebra besides Bush and all those other faggots that prove democracy doesn't work. So the janitor gets out his video camera and starts rollin' tape. Then Tim goes back to class. Then the janitor mails the 8mm into America's Funniest Home Videos and win's twenty million gazillion dollars to the power of 10. So Tim wants his share of the prize money since it was his dick sticking in the zebra. But the janitor won't have any of that bullshit! The janitor is the richest man in the world now! Rags to riches motherfucker! Rags to motherfuckin' riches! So the janitor starts wearing a fucking tie and penny loafers and drinking imported vodka at 90 dollars a bottle. So Tim decides to kill the janitor-turned-bastard. But he can't get close enough because of all the guards and razor wire now surrounding the janitor's trailer. Tim needs a plan. Oh, there's one. Tim decides to get hired as a butler for the janitor's 14x65 trailer. But first he gets some plastic surgery. Then he has his eyes changed out because colored contacts are expensive. Dead homeless people don't need eyeballs anyways, right? So Tim starts cleaning the trailer and stuff. Then while the janitor is sleeping, Tim puts shaving cream in his hand and proceeds to tickle his nose with a feather. The janitor wakes up all pissed off, screaming for guards and that sort of thing. Tim shoots the janitor with a gun, I don't know what kind, but it was a big gun, it was bigger than big, it was huge, it was big.. Anyways, Tim leaves and goes home and has a good night's rest... Then the zebra finds the janitor's dead body and rapes it until his flesh is the consistency of oatmeal or something like that. Then Tim lives happily ever after. "Fuck the zebra, fuck it til your dick bleeds." ~Koader128 "I wonder what zebra shit looks like." ~T-Link -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- __________________ 2-Because You Suck ------------------ Have you ever wondered why you feel all alone and insecure? Sure ya have, it's no big deal though. The reason you feel this way is because you're a useless piece of shit. The world would be better off without you. Ten-fold even. You're the reason all those stupid Sri Lankans and Swedes and Germans and whoever else got washed away by a tsunami. That tsunami was meant for your sorry ass! If you had have blasted your brains out with a shotgun months ago or ate a buncha pills or tied a bag over your head or all 3, all those poor overseas bastards wouldn't have lost their lives and their homes and their baseball card collections and their puppy dogs. I hope you're happy you piece of shit. If there was a hell, you would burn there. You're lucky I'm an atheist, because if I knew any deities I would tell them to give you a few STDS or attack you with flies or something cool like that. You suck. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------